This Is Your President’s Brain On Drugs

Brings a whole new meaning to “Skillethead”: Ad copy for Bush’s new drug abuse prevention campaign (this one might actually work – talk about scared straight!): “Hey, Kids! Drugs are bad. If you do drugs, you could end up like the President of the United States. Wait…what the hell did I just say?”

THIS IS YOUR PRESIDENT’S BRAIN ON DRUGS

(HUH? WHAT BRAIN?)

BUSH STILL SNORTING COKE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, NEW BOOK SAYS

In his controversial new book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan reveals his strong suspicions that President Bush’s old coke habit isn’t just past tense.

McClellan believes that Bush has used cocaine during his term as President.

Bush’s onetime spokesman/paid liar McClellan, the man who used to keep the President’s secrets, is spilling them all now in his explosive new White House memoir. Why he’s doing it is anybody’s guess.

Maybe McClellan is driven by some noble sense of duty to let the truth be known. Perhaps he’s pissed at his old boss and is using the book as a means of giving Bush his comeuppance. Or hell – maybe he just needed to make a few bucks.

Then again, blabbermouthing seems to run in the McClellan family, much as a penchant for drugs and war profiteering runs in the Bushes blue blood. They’ve certainly got their family traditions — and so it seems Father’s Day would be a perfect time to get into this bizarre generational tale of Bush, Barr, Baines, and the unfortunate Kennedys who always wound up on the receiving end of whatever bloody messes these men made.

FATHERS AND SONS

Let’s start with the McClellans, who seem to have a fascinating familial habit of writing shocking tell-all books about their former White House bosses.

Scott McClellan’s father, Barr McClellan, penned a scathing (if rather dubious) indictment of the President he once served some 40-odd years ago, Lyndon Baines Johnson — in which he accuses LBJ of participating in the conspiracy to murder President John F. Kennedy.

Barr McClellan was a fellow Austinite and close friend to LBJ, one of his top personal lawyers who reportedly knew where all the bones were buried. For some reason, he chose to reveal much of what he knew (or thought he knew) about Johnson’s alleged involvement in his 2003 bestseller, Blood, Money and Power: How LBJ Killed JFK.

Then you’ve got the Bushes. Suspicions and conspiracy theories abound that the president’s father, former President George Herbert Walker Bush (known to his friends by the curious nickname “Poppy”) not only profited personally from CIA drug running operations — just as his father had done quite well for himself making deals with the Nazis during WWII — but that he too was a key conspirator in the plot to assassinate President Kennedy.

The killing doesn’t stop there. Nope, some people believe that Lil’ Bush had something to do with the death by plane crash of the president’s late son, John F. Kennedy, Jr. in 1999. I’m not even gonna go down that rabbit hole because I don’t particularly feel like getting shot today, but I’ll just point out that this is what other people have said. Make of the information what you will.

Now, let’s get back to the McClellans and their Big Mouths, shall we?

Just as they used to call LBJ poking his finger into your chest “the Johnson treatment,” nowadays, when a former president’s trusted aide plunges his penknife in your back, it’s called “the McClellan treatment.”

Of course, Barr McClellan’s allegations about Lyndon Johnson are far more serious and damaging to the former President’s legacy than anything his son is saying about George W. Bush in his new memoir. After all, cold-blooded murder is a much higher crime than a bloody nose caused by overindulgence in cocaine. But if Scott McClellan’s allegations about Bush’s drug abuse are proven true, this would nonetheless prove beyond any doubt that our President is mentally and physically unfit to serve, his judgement seriously affected by cocaine use.

And to think that for all these years, we’ve been spending so much time and effort trying to figure out why President Kennedy’s brain is missing from the National Archives. Turns out our current president’s brain is missing, too.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your president’s brain on drugs.

BUSH IS COKED UP?

OH! WELL, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

If it turns out to be true that indeed, Bush has been putting rock-size chunks of the federal budget up his nose, would you really be surprised? Actually, when you think about it, the scenario makes perfect sense. Bush being a cokehead would easily explain every decision and baffling public statement the President has made over the past eight years.

Missing those warnings before 9/11. Using the tragedy to launch a “War on Terror” which has resulted in the loss of our civil liberties; military invasions of other nations causing tremendous destruction and loss of life . A belligerent, insane foreign policy. Out of control deficit spending. A plunging economy. An incompetent (more likely corrupt) government. An over-inflated sense of self-importance and arrogance. And a total inability to speak complete, rational sentences.

That’s just the short list, of course – but you get my drift.

If you’ve ever known (or perhaps been) a coke addict, you know these classic behavior patterns intimately. Cokeheads are selfish bastards who don’t care who they hurt. They’ll lie repeatedly when confronted about any wrongdoing, and they’ll never admit to screwing up. They’ll spend money (preferably someone else’s) like there’s no tomorrow. They’ll rob you blind, and wouldn’t think twice about mugging their own mother to buy another hit.

They suffer wild mood swings and violent rages. They live in the constant delusion that the entire world revolves around them – and only them – and if you don’t like it, they’ll throw you under the bus, back up and roll over your ass just for a laugh. The sound of bones cracking under their wheels gives them a perverse kind of thrill; they totally get off on this sort of thing.

Y’know, come to think of it, this is all starting to sound familiar. Don’t you think the President has been looking more than a bit tense lately? (And all this time you thought he just had the perpetual sweats because he was a little nervous about being impeached!)

DARN TOOTIN’

Many lightyears ago (the `90s), in a galaxy far, far away (Austin, Texas), Scott McClellan was Bush’s press secretary when he became Texas governor. He claims in his new book that during Dubya’s term as governor, he once heard Bush privately confronted by a supporter about whether he used cocaine.

He says Bush offhandedly replied that he couldn’t remember “whether I tried it or not. We had some pretty wild parties back in the day, and I just don’t remember.”

McClellan writes, “I remember thinking to myself, `How can that be? How can someone simply not remember whether or not they used an illegal substance like cocaine? It didn’t make a lot of sense.”

Other alarming rumors of drug use have dogged Dubyathroughout his political career. In her book The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty, author Kitty Kelley quoted Bush’s former sister-in-law Sharon Bush as saying that he “did coke at Camp David when his father was president – and not just once, either.”

Sharon later denied telling the story to Kelley, but another person present at the interview supported the writer’s version of events.

In 2000, when Bush was running for president, Adam J. Smith, then-associate director of the Drug Reform Coordination Network wrote: “it is becoming increasingly clear that George Junior most likely did toot a line or two back in his halcyon days.”

But what about now, the world wants to know?

As recently as 2005, the controversial investigative journalist Tom Flocco reported that concerned Secret Service staffers had “written national security field reports” which “all but confirm that President Bush has been using drugs which could be affecting his performance as the nation’s wartime commander-in-chief.”

The report also alleges that Bush used Prozac and alcohol (not a friendly combination when mixed, by the way) in addition to cocaine while president.

“Federal agents have at different times witnessed President Bush doing cocaine in the early morning hours at the White House and drinking straight shots of whiskey in the evening hours on other occasions.”

(What, you mean to say he only drinks in the evening? Those who have witnessed the president’s clearly crocked, slurred-speech stupor at 9 a.m. press conferences might beg to differ.)

BUT HAS HE STOPPED BEATING HIS WIFE?

Not only is Bush reportedly hitting the sauce again, he’s been having some nasty blowups with wife Laura as well, who herself is no stranger to the bottle.

According to several sources, the two have bitterly argued over his boozing before. One argument two years ago turned so vicious, Laura stormed out of the White House and checked into a Washington, D.C. hotel for the night. Another fight got physical, leaving the president with two unsightly gashes on his cheek where a furious Laura reportedly had raked his face with her nails.

Beverly Hills psychologist Lillian Glass (who has seen more than her share of cocaine addicts) says that Bush’s coke abuse would explain his mood swings, paranoid rages, and the violent bustups with his wife.

Glass believes it would also explain Bush’s aggressive behavior and stubbornness. “We’ve seen an aggressive stance which lead to the invasion of Iraq. That could be an attitude that stems from cocaine abuse,” Glass said.

“If he’s been abusing cocaine,” she asserts, “Bush would be in a weaker position. He doesn’t have all of his faculties, and he may be more vulnerable to being led astray.”

“Given all these things,” she concludes, “you have to wonder if George Bush has been using cocaine during his presidency. His behavior certainly makes you wonder!”

Apparently the European press is starting to wonder, too: a recent foreign editorial calls Bush’s general sanity into question.

PARTY ON, W

So the president’s a miserable drunk and a cokehead. Wow, like that’s the news of the century. Anybody here at all shocked?

I mean, we always knew the man was a loser who dozed in school, played hooky from the Air Force, partied like Keith Richards and drove like a bat out of hell. The son of the CIA President born with “a silver foot in his mouth” (thank you, Ann Richards), whose Daddy bought him the Texas governorship and later, the White House. Who would be so astounded now to find that leopards don’t change their spots?

And apparently, McClellans never do, either. I’m not sure if we owe Scott and his dad a heap of thanks for the books they’ve written, or if we should tell them to sit down, shut the hell up and just be loyal to your Prez, already.

I’m not sure if we should spend a whole lot of time pondering their motivations in penning these controversial tell-alls. Who knows why they blabbed, and who really cares? The McClellan’s revelations only serve to confirm what many people were already were inclined to believe: that there’s something rotten in Denmark (or Austin, as the case may be) – and it’s been stinking up the joint for nearly 45 years.

Somebody needs to call up Waste Removal and tell them to take out the trash that has befouled Austin’s backyard for way too long. The citizenry down here have grown weary of the stench. Maybe it’s time to get to the bottom of these rumors of murder, mayhem and debauchery once and for all. Then we can forever solve the mystery and clean up this crap pile.

DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS

But at the moment, Austinites have a bigger whodunnit to unravel — who burned down the Governor’s mansion the other night? Apparently, some terrorist – or perhaps just a drunken idiot – torched the historic 1856 home by throwing an Unidentified Flaming Object onto the porch at 2 a.m. last Sunday morning, somehow miraculously breaching the high security walls and avoiding detection by the DPS guards on night watch.

Governor Rick Perry (who formerly served as Bush’s Lt. Governor and resident Butt-Boy) was not home at the time of the fire, which completely totaled the mansion. The first couple have been living elsewhere for the past year while the Governor’s mansion was in the throes of an extensive remodeling job. And get this: the remodel was to include the installation of a fire sprinkler system. Guess they won’t need it now that the place is little more than a pile of smouldering 152 year-old lumber.

I must confess my first thought upon hearing the news was: oh shit – was the president in town?

Persistent visions haunted my thoughts of Bush going out on a Prozac and alcohol-fueled Saturday night spree, filling the presidential limo with several hot young strippers and offering the girls an after-hours private tour of the Governor’s mansion in a vain effort to impress them. (“Hey, check it out, ladies — I used to live here back when ya’ll were just a twinkle in your Daddies eyes. Heh, heh, heh…”) The strippers exchange nervous glances amongst themselves, wondering how to politely escape this creepy braggart, even if he is the President of the United States.

Upon arrival at the Governor’s mansion, Bush discovers to his dismay that the house is locked up tight at 2 a.m. (much like certain parts of the strippers’ anatomies will be presently), even to the President. Feeling somewhat rejected, he sits down on the porch, fumbles around for a lighter in his pocket and offers his victims ladyfriends a hit from the crack pipe. But just as he’s leaning over to pass it over to a very attractive blonde, his squinty eyes become transfixed on her ample busom, thus causing him to lose his already precarious balance on the porch stoop. All of a sudden the burning bong slips from his hands and…Uh-Oh!

Relax. Just kidding about all that. We all know that the president would never accidentally-on-purpose send important national landmarks (oh, like say, for example, the World Trade Center or the Pentagon) up in spectacular balls of fire. I mean, sheesh — there might be people in there who could get hurt or killed, y’know? Nah…that’s just too crazy, even for our George, right?

Anyway, the whole town is in a tizzy over this tragedy, and a massive manhunt is underway for the arsonist. Heaven help the fool who did this dastardly deed, I say – the eyes of Texas are upon them, and the wrath of Texans can indeed be an ugly thing.

Don’t Mess With Texas. And if you torch our historic Governor’s mansion, we’re going to find you and make you regret the very day you were born. We’re going to kick your ass six ways from Sunday and then hang you from the highest tree while we enjoy an afternoon picnic in Wooldridge Park. We’ll spit in your eye and pee on your grave. And we ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.

You’ll please excuse us if we don’t have time right now to bother with investigating the murder of a past president or the drug abuse of a current one. Hell, we’ve got ourselves a firebug to catch, boys! — so let’s round up the posse and string `em up!

(Anybody got any string?)

“Lynch `em!”

(Anybody got any lynch?) 

“IMPEACH `EM!”

(Anybody got any `em peaches?)

 

 

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