Electile Dysfunction

22 01 2008

Newstarget Cartoon

(Cartoon: Mike Adams, Dan Berger. Courtesy NewsTarget.com)

 

CAN’T GET IT UP WITH A CRANE

Asked what they thought of the candidates “performance” in the CNN/Congressional Black Caucus Democratic debate last night, the verdict of many liberal and progressive Dems was brutal. (“God help the Democratic party if we hand her the nomination!” shrieked one of the CNN Political ticker regulars.) John Edwards, most agree, won the debate not by talking but by wisely keeping his mouth shut, letting Clinton and Obama go at it ad infinitum.

Meanwhile, those heavily-courted independent voters (whose favor the presidential hopefuls’ boastful antics were apparently designed to woo) have today added a new phrase to the political dick-tionary:

Electile Dysfunction ( el-ek-tile dys-funk-shun): (noun) the inability to become aroused by any of the candidates in the 2008 presidential race.

Unlike the more commonly known form of ED, which is specific only to males of the species, this new discovery points to a condition that affects Americans of all genders, races and political parties. (Although preliminary studies indicate that Independents seem to be the most afflicted.) 

Perhaps even more troubling to medical researchers is that while typical cases of ED are successfully treated with medication and normal function can be restored (or at the very least, simulated), there currently is no known cure for Electile Dysfunction.

Which must surely come as distressing news for those of us facing 10 more months of this preening and play-fighting amongst the candidates vying for our political hand in marriage. And most of them haven’t even made us an honorable proposal yet!

Is there a pill for this? The condition seems to be chronic and getting worse by the day.

THE LITTLE BITTER PILL

At least guys who suffer that other form of ED can take a pill to make things normal again. Sure, the pills have risky side effects and come with scary warnings about how you should rush to the hospital if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours. (Like some folks actually have to be told that??) But there doesn’t seem to be any pharmaceutical help for the rest of us. We suffer in silence.

It’s one thing to have to hold your horses for four hours, but 10 months is quite another. How many independent voters are going to wind up in emergency rooms before this race is run? What can be done to relieve, if not completely alleviate, our pain? (I know Bill Clinton says he feels it, but can he do to help us? Besides, hasn’t he already got the World’s Largest Stockpile of Viagra on hand? And does he actually get excited anymore listening to his wife after all these years?)

It seems this could easily turn into a medical and mental health crisis if left untreated. Imagine the millions of American voters rendered impotent for lack of a candidate — and the painful, unending torment of having to watch debate after debate, attack ad after attack ad — and not even getting the satisfaction of releasing our tensions in the privacy of the voting booth when we yank the proverbial handle this November. Oh, the agony!

CLINTON AND OBAMA: MAYBE THEY SHOULD GET A ROOM

But seriously…about the debate last night in South Carolina (oh yeah, that’s what the article was supposed to be about!). All this literary foreplay and teasing has really just been a leadup to the real story, which we shall bring you from CNN, host of the debate.

Actually, it was the headline and photo from CNN’s own coverage that sent me down this rutted road to Freudland in the first place. The media painting the dustup between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama as more of a lovers’ spat than the down-in-the-alley political brawl it was struck me as not just absurd, but side-splittingly funny.

Maybe those two should get a room and work out their differences privately. At least that way, we don’t have to watch.

HILLARY CLINTON: OBAMA IS `FRUSTRATED’

Hillary Clinton said Barack Obama came looking for a fight last night.

Hillary Clinton said Barack Obama came looking for a fight last night.

 From the CNN Political Ticker

WASHINGTON (CNN) – Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that Barack Obama came to Monday night’s CNN debate looking to spark a brawl.

“He telegraphed it, he talked about it – he clearly came last night looking for a fight, and was determined and launched right in,” she said at a Washington press conference on economic issues.

“I think what we saw last night was that he’s very frustrated – Sen. Obama is very frustrated. The events of the last 10 or so days, particularly the outcomes in New Hampshire and Nevada, have apparently convinced him to adopt a different strategy,” said the New York senator.

Obama’s comments last night, she said, “were so rehearsed that he kept on insisting that I had mentioned President Reagan in what I had said, when I didn’t mention President Reagan.”

HER BUSH-WHACK

She also repeated allegations that Obama had said in 2004 he agreed with George Bush on the way the president was waging war. Obama disputes the claim, saying that the Clinton campaign is deliberately distorting his comments from that period.

Shortly after Clinton spoke, her campaign sent reporters a memo containing half a dozen unrelated charges against Obama, including the charge, based on a recent news report, that he “represented now-indicted influence peddler Tony Rezko in his efforts to develop government-subsidized slum housing.”

The Obama campaign has denied links to any illegal activities on the part of the Chicago businessman, and has said it would reject all contributions linked to him. 

I USED TO BE DISGUSTED, NOW I JUST LAY THERE AND MOAN A LOT

So…have we had enough gender and race-baiting in this campaign so far? (Couldn’t the candidates even give it a rest on Martin Luther King day? Shameless!) Any chance we might be getting back to the real issues anytime soon? Anybody want to talk about this recession? Global markets plunging? The free fall of the dollar? The high cost of living?  Maybe we could talk about a plan to kick our foreign oil habit and combat climate change? How about immigration? Oh, and there’s a war on, too — haven’t they heard?

There may eventually be some help for Electile Dysfunction; if not an experimental treatment in the coming year, then perhaps we might have a cure by 2012. Please lend us your “frustrated” hands and SIGN THE PETITION to draft Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as a candidate for President!

Copyright RFKin2008.com and CNN.com. All Rights Reserved.

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10 responses

22 01 2008
hfamom

With Clinton and Obama acting like bullies in a too small playground– Edwards came out smelling like well… better than the other two. Edwards merits a second look.

22 01 2008
Hillary Clinton

Hook up with Obama?

What a BRILLIANT idea! Talk about putting all of my eggs in one fruitbasket!

Then I’d finally have the youth vote, the women’s vote, and ALL of the black votes!!!!!

I wonder if Bill would mind me playing footsie with Obama to further our inevitable dynasty…I’ll ask him later tonight. But you know he always says the same thing to me after sex: “I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

22 01 2008
Jenn

Watching Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have at each other last night brought back reminders of what it was like to be unhappily married once upon a time …

Memories of moments we’ve all lived thru with exes we’d love to forget, already.

22 01 2008
Kowabunga

Are Hillary and Obama star crossed lovers? LOL:)

Obama is one brown eyed handsome man…with Bill getting older every day, maybe Hil should “trade up”?

22 01 2008
Elliott

And she’d finally get even with Bill for that whole White House intern thing…

22 01 2008
Mental

I hope John Edwards beats the crap out of both of them in South carolina. for the undistinguished manner in which clinton and Obama conducted themselves on the campaign trail lately, they both deserve to lose.

23 01 2008
Frosty5730

Sometimes, I can’t bear to come here because this election campaign is going so badly.

Everytime I see these inaddquate people who are running not just for the toughest job in world; but the toughest job at the most critial point in human time ever. I do believe we are at the bring of total destruction. As a Jew, I was not raised to believe in Revelations; but I re-read that book lately and I it seems to be coming about. Just the way it was written. I think even the most rabid skeptic would be scared to bone after reading Revelations.

I have just about given up on Bobby coming into this mess. But yesterday, AOL did a straw poll, and guess what! As most of you know, it was the independent Mr. Paul who came out ahead. And now all the pundits are talking about more surprise candidates and the fact that we may well elect an Independent.

You know, I feel so helpless. I am not one possessed of great organizing skills and I am not blessed w/knowing any REALLY powerful people who could help bring Bobby out on this stage.

Today, however, I did think of one person I will write to. Somebody I knew long, long ago. This man is involved in ecology and may know Bobby on a person level. I am going to plead with him to ask Bobby to run. Perhaps this billionare can give him some seed money. This person is also uber charismatic; so he would be very convincing to Mr. Kennedy.

I am begging all who come here to a) pray real hard, in your own way for Bobby to run because our country needs him and he can sure do the job, and b) Think of somebody you know, or a celebrity you know, who might be very pro-Kennedy. Contact that person & do what I will be doing. Beg that person, to beg Mr. Kennedy, to please help us at this most critical time.

Thanks for reading this missive. Blessings to all the great people who come here & appreciate the tragic mess we are in!

Frosty
Philadelphia

24 01 2008
Kucinich4Pres

I’m heartbroken. My candidate is out, and I can’t see myself voting for any of the other dems except maybe Mike Gravel if he is on my ballot.

If I vote, I will probably write in Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

24 01 2008
New Frontier

Great idea, Frosty.

Been doin’ quite a bit of beggin’ myself lately.

Bobby’s response has always been extremely polite; he seems to be somewhat flattered by the draft movement. (Then again, what higher honor can people pay a man but to ask him to run for President?)

Here are two ways people can help get the message across to RFK Jr.:

1) Sign the Petition to Draft Kennedy at:
http://ipetitions.com/petition/RFKin2008/

2) Write Mr. Kennedy a personal letter of encouragement and ask your friends to do the same.

Address:

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Professor of Environmental Law
Pace Law School
78 North Broadway
White Plains, NY 10603

25 01 2008
Chrisy

I wrote down the address. Thanks for posting.

We do need to pray for Bobby that God will give him the wisdom to know what the right thing to do is. The courage to do what he knows is right and the strength he needs to accomplish what needs to be done in order to make a difference for good in the country. We also need to pray that God will keep him safe from all harm. I have been praying for him and his family. I would encourage other Catholics to pray a rosary for him like I do.

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